The Wizard of Oz Complex: Why Sensitive Women Try To Fix Themselves

While messages disparaging HSPs are rampant in American culture, sadly, sometimes it’s the people closest to us, the people we trust the most, who are the first ones to tell us that we need to toughen up and stop being so sensitive... stop being so us...(gulp). Regardless of whether those messages are intended to be helpful or hurtful, they inflict significant damage on our lives.

After repeated exposure to statements casting sensitivity as an undesirable and problematic trait, many sensitive women learn to equate their sensitivity with weakness and to internalize the belief that the cause of their pain is the depth of their own connection to their feelings, as opposed to the situation giving rise to those feelings. They start to view themselves as troublemakers, as women who needlessly complicate otherwise simple situations with their excessive caring and sensitivity.

When that perspective becomes embedded in a sensitive woman, she ends up viewing her sensitive nature as a shameful burden that she must carry alone. She judges herself as weak and defective for feeling intense emotions.

As a result, many highly sensitive women make it their personal mission to “fix” their sensitivity, secretly thinking that they can improve their lives by becoming less sensitive. They devour self-help books, enlist in therapy, and attend self-improvement workshops, determined to gain the right knowledge and skill set that will allow them to get a handle on their perceived weakness.

That quest parallels the journey taken by the scarecrow, the tin man, and the cowardly lion, in the classic 1939 movie, The Wizard of Oz. Notably, each character is metaphorically stuck (as well as quite literally stuck in the scarecrow’s and tin man’s case) in some fashion when Dorothy stumbles upon them on the yellow brick road.

The Scarecrow thinks he’s a failure because he lacks a brain, the tin man does not have a heart and therefore balks at Dorothy's suggestion that he's perfect, and the cowardly lion is ashamed of himself for being so fearful. For much of the story, the scarecrow, the tin man, and the cowardly lion are each afflicted by what I call The Worthiness Lie.

Like the many highly sensitive women who fall prey to negative stereotypes about sensitivity, the characters are all under the illusion that there's something gravely wrong with who they are as individuals. They feel broken and incomplete in some fundamental way and mistakenly believe they have to enhance their sense of worthiness in order to feel good about themselves.

Similar to the journey undertaken by many highly sensitive women to improve themselves, the characters’ collective journey represents a search for individual wholeness through the attainment of intelligence, kind-heartedness, courage, and external power.

Spurred on by Dorothy’s faith in the Wizard’s power to get her back home to Kansas and grant the others what they wish, the trio decides to accompany Dorothy (and her small dog Toto too) on the long and dangerous journey to the Emerald City. The problem, as everyone familiar with the story knows, is that the Great Wizard of Oz is not much of a wizard.

A more fitting title for him would be the Great Con Man Of Oz. To avoid being ousted as a trickster, he sends Dorothy and her entourage on a perilous and seemingly impossible mission to recover the Wicked Witch of the East’s broomstick. He tricks them into believing they must first prove their worth before he'll help them.

But the irony is that the three characters already possess the exact qualities that they desire. The scarecrow is incredibly insightful, the tin man is exceptionally caring, and the cowardly lion is actually quite courageous.

That’s why it’s so fitting that when they successfully complete their mission and finally get their audience with the Wizard, the trio never gets what they asked for in the first place. Afterall, no one can give you what you already possess.

In the end, all the wizard does is perform a simple parlor trick. He enables Dorothy’s friends to believe in themselves by handing them each an object that certifies to the world they possess the very quality they sought. The scarecrow gets the highest collegiate diploma to recognize his intelligence, the tin man gets a testimonial of his kindness in the form of a ticking heart, and the cowardly lion gets a medal of courage.

Although the trio gets their happy ending, it comes at a hefty price. Their newfound confidence and joy hinge on external validation, leaving them vulnerable to the whims of the Wizard or anyone else they perceive to be of equal or higher authority. One might envision a sequel where the scarecrow reverts back to feeling intellectually inferior upon discovering that the university listed on his diploma has no academic accreditation.

Significantly, it’s Dorothy, who fully frees herself at the end of the journey. She realizes, with a little help from Glenda, “The Good Witch,” that she has always had the power she needs to get back home to where she belongs.

Until a highly sensitive woman learns that she already has everything she needs inside herself, she’ll be stuck in a never-ending quest to prove her worth and attain what no one else can give her. I refer to this common fear-based pattern as "Trying To Earn Love."

Even if she gains affirmation and recognition through her accomplishments, she’ll remain at the mercy of other people's opinions and treatment of her. Only by embodying unconditional love and acceptance for herself can she find real freedom.

The Highly Sensitive Person, a groundbreaking book written by clinical and research psychologist Elaine Aaron, has helped many sensitive women realize that it's okay to accept their sensitivity.

Dr. Aaron recounts how scientific studies have shown that highly sensitive persons have distinguishing genetic characteristics that make them deeply attuned and sensitive to their environments and relationships. She points out that despite the emphasis on the negative outcomes associated with high sensitivity, the trait actually offers many advantages as well.

But even with the understanding that sensitivity is a gift that has the potential to be a superpower at work, a highly sensitive woman can struggle to embrace the mindset that there's nothing wrong with her. To do so, she must first come to accept that her problem is not her sensitivity, but the fact that she has given away the power to accept herself exactly as she is.

As children, it made perfect sense for us to trust, or at least not directly challenge, our parents’ and society’s conception of us. But as adult women, we must ask ourselves, who in our lives has earned the right to be the arbiter of how sensitive we should be.

Really think about it. Nobody has the authority to determine that the Universe royally screwed up when it designed us to be highly sensitive women – unless we give it to them.

Ultimately, healing our relationship with our sensitivity, and by proxy, with ourselves, requires taking back our personal power. Like Dorothy, we cannot fully come home to ourselves until we recognize and own our soul power.

When that shift occurs, our focus on the healing path changes from “fixing” ourselves to learning how to appreciate, support, and nurture all of our beautiful gifts, including our sensitivity. As a spiritual coach, it’s my personal mission and honor to help guide sensitive women through that incredible, life-changing journey.

If you’re ready to reclaim your soul power, embrace your sensitivity, and own your precious soul gifts, I would love to show you how to fully tap into the magic of your ruby slippers.

I encourage you to book a spiritual coaching session with me, so I can guide and support you on your beautiful journey towards self-love and self-acceptance.

Whatever you decide, please know that you were made to feel completely loveable, good, and empowered just as you are.